The Power of Personal Connection: Why Your Therapist-Client Relationship Matters

Your therapist-client relationship is a human relationship, and it has a powerful impact on the success of your treatment. This connection between you and your therapist can profoundly affect your progress, so it is important to understand why your relationship matters and how you can make it stronger. In this blog post, we will explore the power of a personal connection between you and your therapist, and why it can make a difference in your treatment outcome. We will also discuss if it is okay to feel close to your therapist, and why the relationship has more of an impact on therapy success than the treatment modality itself.

What is the therapeutic relationship?

In counseling, the relationship between you and your therapist is about the feelings and beliefs you have towards each other. And it is about how you both express these things to each other (Gelso and Carter, 1985).  

The Importance of the Therapeutic Relationship

During my doctoral studies, I looked into the therapist-client relationship usually called the therapeutic relationship. I found it fascinating. I found that from the 1960s until the late 1990s, the therapist-client relationship has been studied innumerable amount of times. It felt quite overwhelming to go through the amount of information and the research done about this.

We have statistical proof (empirical research) that the therapist-client relationship is more important to your counseling success than the therapy tools your therapist uses in your treatment.

That was news to me! It is very important for you to feel comfortable in your therapeutic relationship.

It is 100% okay for you to change therapist if the relationship is not a good fit!

There is another thing I want you to know about the research done on the therapist-client relationship; it saddens me to say this but it is true.

Therapists are not receiving this statistical proof during their training.

This essential topic that has a profound impact on your treatment success isn't relayed to them at the pace we hope. So there is a gap. I want you to know about this gap so you can open the conversation with your therapist. If you bring this information to your therapist and it is news to them; that’s why. It doesn’t make them a bad fit for your counseling process. Many good people in academia and around the world are trying to make this better. Now that you know too, I am sure we can fill the gap faster.

When I teach therapists about this, they are very excited, they are relieved and they find it just as important as you do.

The Different Types of Therapeutic Relationships

The therapist-client relationship is not like any relationships you have encountered before. But it has elements you experienced before and are familiar to you in other relationships. Let's go through them!

First off!

You and your therapist need to agree on treatment goals, treatment method, how many times you meet, session fees, etc. This is about business and having a direction.

Second!

In your relationship with your therapist, you will transfer feelings from other relationships onto each other. That’s called transference-countertransference. That's a very human experience AND to be expected.

With your counselor, you will also develop a human bond that is based on genuine caring for each other. This is common for this personal bond stays with you many years after treatment. I can tell you as a therapist that I wonder how my clients are doing many years after counseling is over.

Sometimes the relationship with your therapist is reparative. What that means is that it helps you heal from other relationships in your life. This can happen with your therapist but this can happen with coaches and teachers. Our relationships with teachers can bring a warm nurturing feeling we deeply want from other people in our life.

I had a reparative relationship with one of my college math professors. When I started my first college classes in the United-States, my math class was terrifying. I had nightmares about it. I felt inadequate. English is not my first language. Even growing up in France math scared me. I had a low self-confidence in my ability to go through math college class in English. But when my professor walked in, he was joyful and full of confidence and greeted us by saying something like this: “This is going to be your favorite math class and you will see how easy it is!”

After a few weeks of hearing this, my entire experience changed. I started to fee comfortable and learn. This professor-student relationship helped me repair a relationship I have with myself (and math!).

The last type of bond that can happen between you and your therapist is a spiritual connection. This is the type of connection you experienced before in your personal life too. It is difficult to put words on this one. That’s part of the gift of this bond; it is somewhat hard to explain and it is nurturing for everyone.

Establishing a Good Therapeutic Relationship

All of the different bonds we just described show themselves in unique ways from one therapist-client relationship to another.

Therapist-client relationships are like snowflakes; they are all different!

Here is an easy way to establish a good relationship with your therapist; share your expectations and your needs!

Wherever you are in your counseling journey you can express your expectations and needs to you counselor. Take a few minutes and write down what you need from your therapist. Take the following questions and maybe your answers with you and share them with your therapist:

1- Do you want your therapist to teach you skills or just hear you out?

2- Do you want your therapist to help you figure things out and challenge your thinking?

3- Do you want your therapist to be blunt with you or guide your exploration?

4- Do you need your therapist to share their opinion with you and tell you what to do?

5- Do you want a therapist who comes from a similar life background than you?

6- Do you prefer your therapist to come from a different culture than you?

7- Does your therapist's gender expression matter to you?

8- Do you want your therapist to give you "homework"?

The therapist-client relationship makes counseling successful! Open communication between the two parties allows for trust and understanding to develop over time. It is very important for you to feel comfortable enough to talk openly with the therapist, expressing thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Your input is half of the relationship and should be valued and respected.

The therapist-client relationship is like a snowflake. It is unique to the people, this time and place.

Remember that it is okay if your first therapist-client relationship is not the right one for you! The questions listed above will help you figure out what you need in this relationship and help you get the therapy outcome you want.